THIS TOTALLY ISN’T EVEN A REAL FILTHY DIRTY MARTINI. LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF. YEP. I’M THE DOUCHE WAFFLE WITH THE WRONG DRINK. AS YOU CAN ALREADY TELL, THINGS GET ENORMOUSLY-AMAZINGLY-SCREWED UP AROUND HERE. AND THAT IS USUALLY WHERE THE FUN BEGINS…SO POUR YOURSELF A REAL DIRTY MARTINI AND LET ME START BY TELLING YOU HOW FACEBOOK MADE ME FAT